Well, he's operating right now, sir.
Yes, sir? Yes, sir!
Yes, sir, if you say so, sir.
Yes, sir! I'll do that right now!
Sir.
Clamp.
This guy has the right idea. Write a book on traumatic surgery...
and then when a war breaks out, the book gets drafted and he stays home.
- Sponge. - Hello, Frank.
How are you?
[Frank] Pretty big talk!
Pierce, using a textbook?
[Margaret] Orthopedic case.
Dummkopf! All right, let's put him under, shall we?
Watch this. Need some help, Pierce?
No, thanks. I'd rather save the patient.
That got him.
Unless they taught you something special at Vivisection State Teachers' College.
- [Everyone Laughing] - Which I doubt.
- Here we go! - You better quit while you're behind, Frank.
I've been a practicing surgeon for 12 years!
When do you think you'll be ready to operate? Just an estimate, Frank.
Frank, I begged you to quit. Give me a four-by-four.
- And another thing! - Frank, they'll kill you.
- Colonel? - Yo.
There's a very important phone call on the phone for you, sir.
Have the call switched. I'll take it inside this gallbladder.
- Metzenbaum scissors. - Sir? Sir. [Whispering]
- Radar, you must be kidding! - Cross my heart.
Moist lap sponges, please. Spalding, finish up for me, please.
- What's up, Henry? - I'll tell you later.
You were finally toilet trained, right?
Yes, sir. Yes, indeed, sir.
- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.
What's... What's that, sir? Uh, the 19th, Colonel?
The 19th. Uh, let me see.
The 19th would... That would be between the... uh, the 18th and the 20th...
if I'm any judge of 19ths.
Yes, sir. Uh, yes, sir. We'll be ready.
Oh, and, Colonel, let me just add that...
this is an honor that thrills me right down to my toenails.
Well, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Yes, sir. Good day, sir.
He's coming here.
- Him, here. General Douglas MacArth... - [Gasps]
The head man. The chief cheese is coming... here.
Him? Here?
Here. Yes. The big monk.
- The biggest, highest monkiest of them all. - Wow!
They don't come any monkier.
Do you know why he's coming here?
Because we've got the most impressive damn record of any medical unit in Korea!
That's North, South, East or West.
- We're the MASH that is the best! - Rah! Rah!
Colonel Whiteman, his administrative aide?
- He'll be here on Wednesday to brief us. - Oh, wow!
Radar, this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me...
since I did my first strangulated hernia.
Radar, the publicity! The publicity!
I mean, every move Big Mac makes is news!
- When he goes to the latrine, they flash an AP/UP bulletin. - Really?
And the Daily Bloomington Pantagraph.
Oh, boy, I can just see it. "Supreme Commander Inspects Local Doctor,"
in type about yea big.
- You'll be famous, sir. - Yeah.
Yeah, and let me tell you something, little friend.
My price for a tonsillectomy...
- just went from 50 to 75 bucks a tonse. - Right!
Yes, sir. They'll have to pay if they want the big man.
[Chuckles]
Colonel Blake's office?
Straight ahead, sir. Can't miss it.
Thank you, uh, soldier.
Corporal Klinger, sir. Sentry post number one.
Carry on.
Must be therapy for the mental cases.
And Colonel Whiteman, here, of General MacArthur's general staff...
has very kindly condescended to brief us all briefly...
on the general's impinging visit.
- Colonel. - Thank you, Colonel.
I'm sure you must all be excited at the idea of meeting our supreme commander.
I'm thrilled beyond repair.
My bellybutton's been puckering and un-puckering all day.
A little charged up. You know, heap big chief coming.
All right, let me clue you in... schedule and briefing-wise.
- I'll roger that. - Mclntyre.
The general will arrive at exactly 1155 hours...
and will enter the camp at this point.
I assume you will not, repeat, not have the same man on sentry duty.
- Klinger. - Klinger? Oh, no, sir.
Make a note... no Klinger.
He just had his ears pierced.
The general's cavalcade will circle the compound, inspecting troops...
and then will stop here at point "B" at precisely 1158 hours.
The general will dismount at 1159 hours...
after a one-minute security inspection of the area by escort.
From 1200 to 1204 hours, the general will be welcomed by commanding officer.
- Maybe you can break the four-minute welcome, Henry. - You'd better go into training.
1200 to 1204 hours.
Colonel Whiteman, I just want to say...
that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared...
by myself or Major Burns on my right.
On your right what?
Included in the above said time allotment for commanding officer's greeting...
is the introduction of inferior grade officers.
That's gotta be us.
- Yes? - I think the colonel might like to know...
that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Her father was a horse! Did you know that?
Our engagement is off.
While the general is here, do not address him unless he first addresses you...
and then always use his full name and rank in reply...
as "Yes, General MacArthur." "No, General MacArthur."
"Thank you, General MacArthur. "
- God Almighty. - Close. Very close.
Steady, men.
And now, lunch.
The eating thereof will be at 1300 hours.
The general eats the same food as that served to men in the field.
Does he like his ice cream on top of his beef stew like us?
Mess will terminate at 1410 hours...
when the general's pipe is lit.
Must be a squad that takes care of that.
We'll have the men on hand, Mclntyre. Make a note, Radar.
Volunteers to light pipe.
Now then, after lunch...
And the barfing thereof.
To proceed.
The general's visit is a tribute to your unit's efficiency.
A demonstration of your function would be most apropos.
- We could do an operation for him. - Pierce.
- Don't be a simp! - We operate every day.
Perhaps the general would like to observe our surgeons at work.
Yeah, with a stitch-by-stitch commentary.
And for a big finish, a postop infection.
Has possibilities, Colonel.
That's just what I was thinking.
I mean, it'd be a real eye-popper.
- Colonel? - Yes?
Um, as adjutant and assistant chief surgeon...
- I'd like to volunteer for that operation. - How splendid, Major.
Very good, Frank.
- Lovely. - Then it's agreed.
We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.
Because we have the best record of any medical unit in Korea...
we have been bestowed upon by a great honor...
- [Man] MacArthur's coming! - [Cheering]
[Together] Yea.
Quiet. Quiet down, folks.
Quiet!
- Does this mean Radar has to take a bath? - I hope so.
We'll carry him to the river and beat him on a rock.
We've got very little time before the bestowment of this honor...
and this place is a shambles, so we've got to... as quickly as possible...
uh, deshamble-ize.
Corporal.
"Duty rosters will be posted on the bulletin board. No changes will be made.
"All leaves are canceled unless of hardship, emergency, or of like or similar nature.
"A death in the family is good, as always.
"All future announcements will be in vocal, oral...
"or written-down form, and in the case of the latter...
"accompanied by immediate superior's signature in three copies...
with two in my 'in' basket and one in my 'out."'
Company...
dismissed!
Klinger, I want to see you in my office this afternoon.
Yes, sir.
You can double-park your horse.
Colonel, I was thinking. I might put together a little...
souvenir memorial album for the general.
- Frank. - Hmm?
Caesar is coming to inspect us, not bury us.
Hey, that's pretty good, huh?
- Spalding. - Colonel?
How 'bout writing one of your special songs for MacArthur?
Think you can come up with something nice on the ol' cucaracha there?
- I've been working on it, sir. - Oh!
#Well, it's not Corrigidor You know it's only Korea #
# It's a lousy little war But we'd still love to see ya #
#And I'm sure we can scrounge up a beach #
#And you can splash in and give us a speech #
# With your corncob pipe #
#And your five gold stars ##
Well, it's catchy, but it's not "prezactly" what I had in mind.
- You're not the least bit clever. - It's a big club, Frank.
Do it again.
What have we here? A diminutive Diogenes?
Looking for two honest men, Radar?
Oh, thanks.
Hey, Trap.
Frank, what are you doing?
- Burning books. - Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
One of the greatest living Americans is coming...
and I'm not going to let him see some of the trash that's read around here.
Plato's Republic? The Life of Red Grange?
Revolutionaries.
- Right! - Robinson Crusoe?
Everybody runs around half-naked.
- Norman Mailer. - It's got that word in it.
Frank, you burn one more book, I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson in the mine field.
Now, knock it off, gnat-brain!
General of the Army, General Douglas MacArthur, your supreme commander...
is going to inspect you, fella!
Genuflect when you say that, pal.
And he's gonna find us just the way we are, and what we are...
draftee doctors, a little gamy...
and dazed from crawling inside people trying to keep them breathing.
Forget Fort Dix, Frank. This is bedpan alley.
Okeydoke. You slackers do what you want.
But I'm gonna show the general we're military!
And I order you to clean up the unholy mess in there, and if you don't, I will!
You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer of crud...
you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally...
grind you into a fine powder and sprinkle you on MacArthur's oatmeal!
What he said!
##[Bugle]
##[Bugle Continues]
Uh, Klinger, about that getup.
You don't like it? Don't be afraid to tell me. I can take criticism.
No, it's not the outfit, per se wise.
It's the pedicure. A little naughty?
Klinger, the one thing that General MacArthur may not understand...
at a military hospital four miles from the front...
is a flower girl with a 5:00 shadow.
I just can't have you traipse around while his nibs is here.
Sir, you can't be serious.
This is my big chance to get out.
General MacArthur can discharge anybody!
Harry Truman if he wants.
No dice, fella.
Please, Colonel.
I won't smile at him or say I'm pregnant or anything.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll give you three days R and R in Tokyo. You leave before Big Mac arrives.
- Okay? - What good is that? He'll be here and I'll be there.
It's either that or put you under tent arrest, tied to a bedpost if we have to.
A-And I'd hate to do that, Klinger!
I've worked so very hard for this, sir.
Easy, guy.
It hasn't been easy, smiling through the makeup.
I'm sorry, Klinger.
Better dismiss me, sir, before my mascara starts.
Dismissed.
Okay, another stitch and then we'll be finished.
Some more 30 chromic, and quickly! You know my temper.
- Sponge that, please, Nurse. - I still think we oughta do an operation for MacArthur.
- We could even operate on him. - Now, that's a great idea.
- Maybe remove his pipe. - We could suck him out through his own stem.
- You wanna finish here for me, please? - Yes, Doctor.
My two favorite words.
What's your work assignment, Trap?
Supervise cleanup of the garbage dump.
Oh, the assignments are based on personality!
- Funny! What's yours? - Entertainment committee.
Oh, you gonna inflate your sleeping bag and do your Kate Smith imitation?
No. I got something better planned.
Okay, this guy's all retreaded. He's ready for the ward. Orderly!
No orderlies around, Doctor.
What do you mean, no orderlies?
They're all out there manicuring the rocks. I couldn't even get an X ray on this guy.
Are we running a hospital or a motel for visiting demigods?
It's Frank, the all-purpose idiot.
He's been like a crazed weasel ever since this thing started.
Why don't we have his legs ironed for the inspection?
Kellye, gimme a hand here, will you?
It's beginning to look like real army, thanks to you, Major. Darling.
I just made up my mind General MacArthur wasn't gonna catch us...
with our "thesies" and "thosies" down.
Oh, Frank!
[Frank] Super-duper! That little twerp really did a good job.
Let's just soak it in for a minute.
I'm soaking, Margaret.
Ohh!
Oh, he's so handsome!
So commanding.
- Who's the little guy? - President Truman.
Well, that's about the size of it, I guess. [Snickering]
Frank, please don't laugh in here.
[Whispering] Sorry, Margaret.
I can't wait to meet him. We're practically family.
- Yes, darling. - Dad and he fought the Huks together in the Philippines.
- Fought the who? - The Huks. A rebellious native tribe.
Oh, those Huks!
At home on the mantel, we have a picture he autographed.
"Best wishes to my friend, 'Howitzer' Al Houlihan.
Knock 'em dead, fella."
- That's so warm, so human. - That Christmas they exchanged shrunken tribesman's heads.
Well, you don't forget a little thing like that.
This is where he'll sleep.
I'll bet he sleeps deeper than most people.
- Frank, do I dare? - Well, Margaret, you are practically family.
Your eyes are sparkling like club soda.
- I feel so... I don't know. - I feel pretty "I don't know" myself.
- My face is hot. - Uh-huh.
- And there's a lump in my throat. - Let me kiss it.
- Oh, Margaret! - Oh, Doug!
All right, everyone into formation, please.
Ah, Colonel Blake? Colonel Blake, if you will. Here, sir.
Mclntyre, on the other side of Major Houlihan.
Could you hold this, sir? Captain Spalding, on the end right here.
Now make this good, Pierce. This is going into the memorial album.
Right, boss. And get in the front row. I wanna catch those eyes.
- Wilco. - Keep 'em spinning counterclockwise.
All right, everybody, move a few feet to the left. Just a few steps.
Okay. Now take just a few steps to the right.
Perfect. Hold it.
- [Shutter Clicks] - Got it. Thank you.
- I had my eyes shut. - That's okay. So did I.
Reviewing stand to convoy. Are you ready? Over.
[Radar] Convoy to reviewing stand. Ready over here. Over.
Move out! This is a rehearsal. Repeat. This is a rehearsal.
Shut up, Frank!
Shut up.
- That's not gin. - No, vodka. It's only a rehearsal.
How could you drink at a time like this?
With a little luck, we'll get sick.
##["Stars And Stripes Forever" Playing On Loudspeaker]
Company, ten-hut!
Present arms!
Eyes left!
He's much shorter than I thought.
He shrunk. All that walking on water.
##[Ends]
General MacArthur, I've waited the whole war to meet you.
Klinger, I warned you!
I want a rehearsal too, sir. I wanna show you I can do it in good taste.
I'm a psycho, sir. A nutburger, a jellybean. I got more dresses than your wife.
- Klinger! - Let me out, I'll kiss your pipe.
- Go, Klinger, go. - Get that moron out of there!
Sir, let me stay! I'll change my clothes!
- Promise? - Have I ever lied to you, sir?
Take him away.
Sir, no! I'll wear something drab.
You'll be proud of me, sir!
I think they took away the wrong moron.
- Speak. - Oh.
General MacArthur, I bid you hail and welcome...
to the 4077 th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
Although I have bid welcome to other dignitaries...
this is the highest bidding I have ever had the privilege.
- [Together] Of. - Of. Privilege.
- Thank you, Colonel... - Blake.
- Thank you, Blake. - Introductions! Introductions!
Sir, may I present my staff, General?
Yes.
- Two of my captains. - Captain Sodom and Captain Gomorrah.
- He's Gomorrah. - General, I've heard a lot about you, sir.
Most of it infantile.
Ah, thank you.
And Major... Burns.
And his maiden aunt, Major Houlihan.
- They're not supposed to say that. - Quit horsing around.
General, as a memento of this great honor...
I have prepared a souvenir book with pictures and a complete history of the 4077 th.
Which will be on sale in the lobby as you leave the theater.
Here, General, you see a picture of...
How did that get in there?
No lock on the latrine door.
Colonel!
For crooning out loud, Frank, it's just a rehearsal!
- I know, sir, but... - [Man Over P.A. System] Attention, all personnel!
General MacArthur has just passed Checkpoint Able.
He'll be here in seconds! This is not a rehearsal! This is a real emergency!
Please, sir, over here, sir.
- Colonel. - Here.
Company, ten-hut!
Present arms!
Eyes left!
##["Stars And Stripes Forever"]
#Yeah, Big Mac is coming He'll put an end to this war #
# Oh, the U.N. Decided it was time for Mac to take an encore #
# Oh, how I yearn to hear Mac say, I shall return once more ##